shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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