i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
