I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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