As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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