i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
