I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All the doctor said was why
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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