i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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