I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
