then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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