I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
