paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
