We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I would ride that face into the sunset
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
