I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
