i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
