why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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