wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
3 2 1 whiskey
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
