I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
