It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
