i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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