my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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