On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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