I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drake has all the answers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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