I looked at my own cervix.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
