I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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