I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
