Just fell off a train. Bad.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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