After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
