I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
