she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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