dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
