I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
