His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
