apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i need some magic done to my vagina
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
