Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
