I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
