i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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