yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
you're hired as official boob wrangler
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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