this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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