Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His hands were made for my vagina.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
