I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
