i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
