Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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