My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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