i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
