Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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