it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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