I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
