I checked into jail on foursquare
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
