Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
