you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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